INTERVIEW: Keeping the Love you Find

Carmen BryceBlog posts

Escape the single trap

MyMind is hosting a workshop this November that will help you find and keep the love you deserve.

Finding a connection and maintaining a healthy relationship in today’s fast and complex world can be challenging.

Join our excellent Psychologists Karolina Jurasik and Anna Nauka for a workshop, on Saturday, 12th November that will help you escape the single trap to find joy in romance and create and maintain a balanced, mature and satisfying relationship.

The workshop will be particularly relevant to anyone who wants to work on their personal growth and at the same time, discover how to communicate and relate to others.

We talk to Karolina and Anna about how to avoid the obstacles to finding true love in the 21st century.

What makes up a healthy and happy relationship?

Happiness in the relationship means something different to every person. That said, most research showed couples who describe themselves as happy have some traits in common. First of all, they do fight but in an open and respectful way. They are able to solve the conflict but at the same time, they manage to ”agree to disagree” and accept their mutual influences. Secondly, they’re positive towards each other. They focus on their strengths rather than weaknesses. They show affection and admiration to their partners rather than criticism and contempt. Last but not least, they are able to create a shared meaning in life. They create common values, goals and rituals, that make conflicts less relevant.

How might someone stand in their own way of finding and keeping love?

There are many different reasons why it can be difficult for a person to find a partner. Although if we look at the most common ones, I would say it is having unrealistic expectations about love and relationships or not really knowing what we want. Firstly, it is very difficult to find a partner with whom we can create a happy relationship if we are not aware of what we need as well as what we are ready to give.  Some important questions that we can ask ourselves are: Where am I in my life at the moment? What am I looking for? Is it just some fun I want or a stable relationship? Would I rather have a long or short term relationship? It is very important to realise that, so we can avoid disappointment. Then there is a matter of what do we really believe the love is? Is it this uncontrollable, magic thing that happens to you? Or do you have to work very hard for that feeling to develop? We believe that when the level of awareness in those aspects increases and a person can better understand themselves, dating becomes a little bit easier and predictable.

What are the signs that someone is sabotaging their own chance of happiness in a relationship?

There are many reasons our satisfaction and happiness in the relationship can be jeopardised. It’s worth looking at our actions even before the start of the relationship. Do I choose the same type of person over and over again? What kind of expectations do I have towards the relationship? Maybe my decisions are  based on unhelpful beliefs about myself and love. Do I believe I can truly fall in love only once? That there is somebody perfect for me out there or that I’m not good enough to be with person I am attracted to?

It’s also very important how do we behave in the relationship. What do I expect from the partner and how I express this expectations. What is my style of communication and resolving the conflict? Do I allow myself to talk about my feelings openly or do I keep them for myself, dreading that I might hurt the person I’m with? Or maybe my arguments always turn into fiery and destructive fights? If I’m able to recognise this hurtful patterns, it becomes easier to make more gratifying decisions.

How do you know if you’re with the right person?

Looking for “Mr or Ms Right” can be deceptive. It is very important to remember that perfect relationships, the same as perfect people, don’t exist and we can waste lots of time and get hurt many times looking for the one true and perfect love. Also, compatibility is not at all a good predictor of a happy and long relationship. Although as some research showed, sharing some similarities with your partner can help us to be content in the relationship. One of the most important factor is shared expectations. You won’t be able to create satisfying long relationship with somebody who is not looking for serious commitment. It is crucial to have similar expectations of how our interactions in the relationship are supposed to look like. How often do we see each other? How much time do we spend together? How do we show love and affection? How do we show negative emotions and resolve conflict? Moreover it is very important to be able to create shared meaning with the person you want to be with. Shared meaning is a term used by Gottmans and constitutes mutual goals and purposes, values and cultural legacy. Being aware of your own needs and patterns might be helpful to find and recognise the person we have the most in common with.

What can people expect from this workshop?

Going through break ups as well as feeling lonely often becomes a trigger for people to come for therapy. Not everyone though is ready to make that decision. Some aspects of our behaviour, like previously mentioned subconscious patterns, are very difficult to discover when you’re on your own. We find that being in a group environment, where you meet people with similar difficulties, with a common goal of changing it for better, could be a first step towards making positive changes. Our workshop is designed for people who want to get to know themselves better as well as improve their skills and deepen their knowledge about love and relationships in general.

Click here to book a place on the Keeping the Love you Find workshop or call us at 076 680 1060.