Navigating Relationship Dynamics: Understanding Conflict (Part 1)

Relationships, of all kinds, are an important part of being human. They are places where we can get our needs met and feel connected to those in our lives. 

However, there are times when the people closest to us frustrate us so much in trying to get our needs met. There is a dynamic at play that we cannot see. Why do we keep interacting with someone who consistently frustrates us? Why do certain people not give us what we need in relationships? I will answer these questions below as we dive into the drama triangle. The drama triangle is a useful tool to understand the hidden dynamics of relationships. With this knowledge hopefully you can recognise the role you play in the drama triangle and to free yourself from it and have healthier relationships in which you can get your needs met. 

The Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle is a concept developed by psychologist Stephen Karpman, which describes a common pattern of dysfunctional interpersonal relationships. It illustrates three distinct roles that people tend to play in dramatic situations: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. These roles are not fixed, and individuals can switch between them depending on the circumstances. We will explore these roles below:

1. The Victim:

The Victim feels helpless, oppressed, and blames others for their  problems. They often seek sympathy, support, or rescue from others. They may use guilt or manipulation to gain attention and keep others engaged in their problems.

2. The Persecutor:

The Persecutor takes on an aggressive or controlling role. They criticise, blame, or attack others, often believing they are superior or justified in their actions. They may use intimidation or coercion to maintain control over others.

3. The Rescuer:

The Rescuer tries to save or fix the Victim. They offer unsolicited advice, support, or solutions, believing they are responsible for solving other people's problems. Rescuers often have a need to feel needed and can enable the Victim's dependence. The persecutor and the victim interact and so does the rescuer and victim but the persecutor and rescuer do not interact because everyone is vying for the position of victim. At the core of each of the roles is fear. Persecutors fear loss of control whereas rescuers fear loss of purpose. Rescuers rely on victims to bolster their self-esteem as it gives them a false sense of superiority that at its core is a feeling of inadequacy. Rescuers foster dependency by becoming indispensable to people who play the role of victim. 

Ego states and transactional analysis

If you notice that you play out any of the roles in your life then approach yourself with compassion and understanding. Do not blame yourself as these dynamics are largely unconscious ways of navigating relationships. 

To help bring more clarity to the drama triangle we will look at the ego states that are brought up when the drama triangle occurs. Ego states are a key concept in transactional analysis (TA), a psychological theory developed by Eric Berne. TA suggests that individuals have three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states represent different patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we engage in during interactions with others.

The Parent ego state represents the internalised voice of authority figures from our past, such as parents or other caregivers. It consists of two aspects:

a. Nurturing Parent: This aspect reflects positive and caring behaviours learned from nurturing figures. It can be supportive, comforting, and protective.

b. Critical Parent: This aspect reflects negative and critical behaviours learned from authority figures. It can be judgmental, controlling, and demanding.

The Parent ego state can be further understood using the Drama Triangle, which describes three roles played by individuals in dysfunctional or unhealthy interactions:

• Persecutor: The Critical Parent is often associated with the role of the Persecutor. This role involves blaming, criticising, and punishing others. The Persecutor may adopt a superior or aggressive attitude.

• Rescuer: The Nurturing Parent can be associated with the role of the Rescuer. This role involves trying to help or save others, often without considering their autonomy or needs. Rescuers may have a tendency to be overly protective or enabling.

2. Adult Ego State: 

The Adult ego state represents rational thinking, objective observation, and problem-solving. It involves analysing information, making decisions based on facts, and interacting with others in a mature and responsible manner. The Adult ego state is free from emotional bias and is focused on the present reality.

In the Drama Triangle, the Adult ego state is seen as a healthier alternative to the Parent roles. The Adult avoids getting caught up in blaming or rescuing behaviours and instead seeks constructive solutions and effective communication.

3. Child Ego State: 

The Child ego state represents our emotions, feelings, and behaviours that we have carried forward from our childhood experiences.

In the Drama Triangle, the Child ego state can manifest in the following roles:

• Victim: The Adapted Child can sometimes adopt the role of the Victim, feeling helpless, oppressed, or victimised. This role may seek sympathy or support from others while feeling powerless to change the situation.

• Persecutor: The Free Child, when unchecked, can adopt the role of the Persecutor by acting out, rebelling, or engaging in destructive behaviours. This role may lash out against others or violate social norms. It's important to note that the Drama Triangle describes unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns of interaction. The goal is to move towards more constructive ego states, such as the Adult, which facilitates effective communication, problem-solving, and healthier relationships.

a. Adapted Child: This aspect reflects learned behaviours and attitudes based on societal norms and expectations. It can involve compliance, conformity, and suppressing one's own desires to meet external demands.

b. Free Child: This aspect represents the spontaneous, creative, and joyful aspects of our personality. It involves expressing emotions, curiosity, and engaging in playful or imaginative activities.

Understanding the drama triangle

Here is how they can be tied together: a person acting from a Parent ego state can fall into the Persecutor or Rescuer roles, depending on whether they are behaving critically or nurturing. A person acting from a Child ego state, particularly the Adapted Child state, is most likely to fall into the Victim role in the drama triangle. The Adult ego state is the one that can guide an individual out of the drama triangle, through objective assessment of the situation and problem-solving behaviours.

In the drama triangle we can feel powerless, anxious, and frustrated as our needs are not getting met. It can be a dynamic that we have grown up with and feels familiar to us and because of this it can be hard to let go of the dynamic as it is a dysfunctional way of trying to get your needs met but it doesn’t work and creates more anxiety, feelings of frustration and powerlessness. 

Reflection

Below I will outline some reflective questions to ask yourself and I would highly suggest writing these down in a journal and sitting with them. Be gentle with yourself but be honest. 

• How do you know when you are in the drama triangle? 

• What is your experience and how does it feel?

• How do you behave when you are in the Victim role?

• How do you act when you are in the Persecutor role?

• What do you do when you are in the Rescuer role?

• Which ego state do you notice you slip into when in each role of the drama triangle?